loving someone who’s loving his past

oh well well, who is the fool here?

It’s been more than 2 years, almost 3 years now. February 2022 will be the third year.

I have this note inside my phone, a note about a guy whom I have ever had feelings since 2019. For me, he was untouchable, distant. This feeling I have — it has distance with his being but somehow we get closer, drawn to each other, closer and closer each month. But he was still untouchable and I could not tell him how I have been feeling.

That’s why I write that note. It consists of every feeling, every story that lasts in my mind and worth every energy to be remembered.

For instance, it goes like this:

“I have seen your struggles, watched you survive your journey, sometimes even missed a period of time without you but somehow we managed to catch up on each other again. I don’t know what is that called but the hope of our crossing paths will continue to cross and become one path, does still live in the prayer.”

Oh, damn, isn’t it so scary at the same time when you can’t see the explanation in a person? But the fact that I am able to love someone so deeply without demanding anything in return is also foolish at the same time.

After all this endless note that I diligently write and keep it safe from 2019 until 2021, ensure that I had all my feelings recorded and written inside the note, we are able to be together in one path. Grateful? Absolutely. There’s nothing happier than being loved back by the person you have loved.

There’s also nothing sadder than being loved back by the person you have loved, then you find out he is still living and loving his past, too.

He never told me that, then how was I supposed to know?

There came a day when he finally confessed. How am I supposed to handle all his broken pieces? Should I pick all those pieces up for him and stand all the cuts caused by his pieces for him? What about myself?

I know it must be hard to tell someone past trauma but hiding it doesn’t bring happiness to either of us. What’s the good in hiding it? What’s the good I can get by not knowing anything about his situation and I am the one who will be responsible for him and his feelings in the future? If I were to be his future and did not know anything about his broken pieces, what should I do?

I want to be with a man who’s ready, not willing to be ready or preparing to be ready for me. He should be preparing to be ready for himself first. He’s not a whole person, he’s not his better version of himself and it saddens me because it’s like I’m getting a secondhand person for myself, for my beloved self.

He’s broken, and that’s all I ever can get from him and I’m supposed to be the one fixing him. If I were so generous and had a big heart to accompany him along his healing, does it count as self-love for myself or does it mean I’m stealing happiness from myself?

If there is ever a possibility that he reads this, please know yourself, the so-called lucky man that reads me saying I have ever loved you since day one even though you have a hard, doubtful time of getting close, and now I’m the one doubting myself, will I ever be able to look at you the same way with the same loving and caring gaze like I used to?

Since the day he mentioned his past stories to me, he never stopped apologizing to me. Since that day too, I, also, never stopped apologizing to myself.

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